The problem isn't the person. It's the pattern.

A manager tells you: "Sarah is toxic. She needs to go."

You ask: "What does she do?"

"She just... is. You know? Negative energy. Bad attitude."

This is where most leadership interventions die. Not because the problem isn't real. Because you've aimed at the wrong target. It's like telling the orchestra "play better" when half of them are reading different sheet music.

Cool. Which bars are they actually missing?

Why "It's About the Person" Never Works

People will tell you "have a difficult conversation."(Other people love difficult conversations. Mostly because they're not the ones having them.) Here's what actually happens:

• A meeting is scheduled.

• A feedback sandwich is delivered.

• Phrases like "I've observed" and "impact on the team" are used.

And the person either:

a) Cries b) Gets defensive c) Agrees enthusiastically, then does the exact same thing next Tuesday.

Because once something becomes about who someone is, you've created three problems:

• You can't measure it

• You can't change it

• You've made it personal

And personal problems trigger defensiveness, denial, and the kind of email exchanges that make you question your career choices at 11 PM on a Sunday.

Here's what does work: Stop managing the person. Start managing the pattern.

People Defend Their Identity. Patterns Are Just Data.

Think of it this way: "You're disruptive" = declaration of war. "You've interrupted people 47 times this month" = math. One triggers their inner lawyer. The other is just... counting.

Patterns are:

• Observable (you can literally point at them)

• Repeatable (happened Tuesday, happened Thursday, will happen again)

• Measurable (yes, someone counted)

• Influenced by systems, incentives, and norms (which you control)

People come with identity, ego, history, and the kind of threat responses usually reserved for predators on the savannah. When you focus on patterns, the conversation shifts from:

"What's wrong with you?" to "What keeps happening here, and what's accidentally rewarding it?"

That shift alone cuts conflict in half. Also your stress levels. Also your wine budget.

Three Rules for Pattern-Based Leadership

1. Describe, Don't Diagnose

Traits invite argument.Patterns invite analysis.

• ❌ "They're disrespectful"

• ✅ "They've interrupted others 7 times in the last three meetings"

• ❌ "They're negative"

• ✅ "They've shot down every proposal this month without suggesting a single alternative"

• ❌ "They have main character energy"

• ✅ "They've dominated 80% of airtime in team meetings for six weeks straight"

2. Track the System, Not the Psychology

Stop playing armchair therapist. You don't need to know why Brad interrupts people. Maybe his parents never listened to him. Maybe he's just really excited about procurement spreadsheets. Maybe Mercury is in retrograde. Doesn't matter.

What matters:

• How often does this occur?

• In what situations?

• With whom?

• Under what conditions?

And most importantly: What currently rewards this behaviour?

Common reinforcers:

• Attention (even negative attention is attention)

• Status ("the strongest voice wins")

• Avoiding consequences ("nobody's stopped me yet")

• Getting their way (works every time!)

If a pattern persists, your system is feeding it. The fix isn't a heartfelt speech about teamwork at your next offsite. It's changing what gets rewarded. Which is way less exhausting than trying to heal Brad's inner child during a team meeting.

3. Change Structure, Not People

Speeches feel personal. Structure feels like "just how we do things now."

Examples:

• Meeting protocols: "We're rotating who speaks first" (not "Brad, you need to let others talk")

• No-interruption norms: enforced publicly: "Hold on, let's hear Jen finish" every single time

• Documented credit: "Here's who actually did what" in every update

• Decision rights: "The data owner decides" (not "whoever yells loudest")

When structure changes, patterns shift without you having to make intense eye contact and ask how someone's feeling about their communication style. You're not attacking them.

A Real Example: "I Have a Toxic Team Member"

A leader came to me: "I have a toxic team member." I asked: "What does toxic look like? Like, specifically?" "You know... just toxic." (Narrator: I did not know.) So we tracked it.

The pattern emerged:

• Spoke first in literally every meeting (11 of 12)

• Dismissed others' ideas publicly ("That won't work because...")

• Took credit during leadership updates ("We did great work" = "I did great work")

Two high performers had started job searching. One had already bought new interview shoes.

We changed three things:

1. Rotating speaker order: posted agenda shows who goes first (spoiler: not always them)

2. Explicit attribution: "Here's who did what" documented in every single update

3. Public credit: leader visibly acknowledged quiet contributors by name

The person didn't have an epiphany. They didn't "grow." They didn't suddenly develop empathy. The system just stopped rewarding the behaviour, and they adapted.

The Next Time Someone Says "Someone" is a Problem

Ask yourself: What would I see if I watched a recording?" Not their attitude. Not their "energy." Not whatever you decided their childhood was like.

Just the pattern.

And then ask: "What am I currently rewarding?"

That's where your leverage lives.

That's also where you realise half the "people problems" are actually "we keep giving the squeaky wheel all the grease" problems. Leadership gets easier when you stop managing identities and start managing systems.

It's not about the person. It's about the patterns.

And patterns don't require you to become an accidental therapist on top of being a leader.